Unbelievable facts
Do you find it difficult to get close to other people but don't know why?
Or do you avoid people before they get to know you too closely? An avoidant attachment style could be the reason for everything.
Read also: 20 signs of a manipulative man in a relationship, and how to behave with him
We strive to build relationships with others as this is an innate part of our experience, but each of us does it differently.
What is an avoidant type of attachment in a relationship
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According to the attachment theory developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, we behave in three different ways in relationships: safe, avoidant, or anxious.
Approximately 60 percent of people use a secure attachment type, about 20 percent use an anxious attachment, and another 20 percent use an avoidant attachment.
Your relationship behavior and how you bond with others are shaped as a child. For example, if your emotional needs were ignored as a child, you could become a child with avoidant attachment, and this mode of attachment passed into adulthood.
Avoidant attachment develops when one or both of a child's parents were constantly emotionally unavailable or unresponsive to their needs.
This may be due to a lack of knowledge about how to support a child, an inability to empathize, overloaded parental responsibilities, or an avoidant type of attachment on the part of the parents themselves . Such children may also be prevented from crying or expressing their emotions. Over time, they withdraw from their needs and feelings, learn to comfort themselves, mistrust, and don't seek help and support from others.
As adults, they become very independent both physically and emotionally.
If you have an avoidant type of attachment, it affects your relationships in adulthood, ranging from friendships and professional life to romantic relationships.
Signs of an avoidant attachment type in men and women
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Here are a few signs that you have an avoidant type of attachment:
1.Avoids obligations
A person with an avoidant type of attachment avoids long-term plans or conversations about the future of the relationship. He may be evasive and not give clear answers when asked what he wants.
For example, if you're planning a trip or activities that will help you bond, he might say it's a good idea but switch to a different topic or refuse to make further plans.
Such a person often tries to end the relationship or leave his partner for fear that he will be abandoned first.
2. Healthy relationships are not satisfying
One sign of the avoidant type is also an inner desire to ruin existing relationships, despite the fact that things can be going very well.
A person may be offended, behave like a child, criticize excessively, or be picky, deliberately alienating a partner.
The closer you start to feel to him, or the more you want a serious relationship, the more he will distance himself, offering to see or chat less often.
3. Focused more on the past rather than the present
The avoidant type can idealize previous relationships. He can fantasize about his past partner, which makes it feel like that relationship still exists.
A person who wants to build a relationship with him has the impression that the past relationship has not yet ended, which is why the partner is not fully present in the real relationship.
4. Too independent
Regardless of what's going on between you, your avoidance lover likes to believe there's nothing he can't handle on his own.
He will talk more often about independence and freedom rather than intimacy, and strive for self-sufficiency rather than mutual assistance. Such a person avoids obsessive partners, and tries not to impose himself.
He feels he can only rely on himself. At critical moments, he fences himself off and tries to cope with everything himself.
5. Trust issues
The avoidant type has a hard time trusting other people. He may be too suspicious, make up the worst case scenario and see your actions in a bad light, believing that you want to take advantage of them or limit his freedom.
6. It gives conflicting signals
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The avoidant type keeps his distance by sending conflicting signals, sometimes moving away from you, and then getting closer, only to disconnect from you again.
His words can be at odds with actions, and this often causes a partner to bewilder. For example, a person may say they want to spend more time together and at the same time have excuses to do lots of other things.
7. Doesn't talk about her plans
A person with an avoidant type of attachment prefers to make decisions on their own without discussing them with their partner, even if they also concern him.
This may be due to vacations together, money, work, or plans in general, which he only announces when it is too late to change things. Such a person is prone to excessive secrecy.
8. He is stingy with caresses and manifestations of emotions
He may be stingy with affection and emotional manifestations or shows it only during intimacy. But even that avoidant type will give very little as the relationship progresses.
A person will rarely express emotions, not say that he loves you, or do it without special feelings.
9. Establishes rules
In some cases, an avoidant partner will set tough rules without wanting to be flexible.
He'll say that certain things like work, freedom, or family will be more important to him than relationships.
At the beginning of a relationship, such a person can set certain conditions, for example, say that he will never marry, will not give up his freedom and will not live together.
10. Keeps a distance
One of the clear signs of an avoidant type of attachment in men and women is the habit of keeping a certain distance with a partner all the time.
He can persistently avoid answering when you want to discuss relationship problems, or threaten to leave if feelings are too serious.
11. Picky
An avoidant personality type in a relationship may complain or criticize a partner's shortcomings. The set bar can be so high that it will be almost impossible to meet all the requirements not only for a partner, but also for any other person in their lives.
Such a person will focus on what could have been better and what is not ideal, instead of thinking about the positive aspects of the relationship, weakening feelings and preventing the relationship from developing.
12. Lack of communication
A person may limit conversations or daily contacts, often becoming annoyed by offers to text or call when they leave, leave, or are late.
Talking about feelings and relationships can make him nervous or uncomfortable.
13. Can't express emotions
The avoidant type of partner may not recognize your feelings or rarely express their own emotions. He may not know how to discuss problems or talk about emotions.
If you're emotionally reacting, he might try to explain your feelings or call you too sensitive instead of offering support or comfort.
The avoidant type will appear cold, insensitive, and unfriendly, as they rarely reveal the emotions they feel.
14. Unavailable
In such a relationship, it often seems like there's always something more important than a partner. The avoidant type may often think about the freedom he would have if he were alone.
He prefers independence and wants to make his own decisions without being accountable to anyone.
15. Leaves
An avoidant person may not be there for you when you need it. This can happen for a variety of reasons. Often this type of behavior is related to an experience in childhood when a person felt ignored, pressured or not valued.
Essentially, an avoidant partner in a relationship tends to believe that no one will ever satisfy their needs. They think that the other person won't let them be themselves, or that they won't be able to meet the other person's expectations. In response, they are fencing off to protect themselves.
Avoidant attachment type: what to do?
If you've recognized the signs of an avoidant type of attachment in yourself or your partner, you need to decide if you're willing to make an effort to fix the situation.
You may need to see a psychologist to work out this problem. You should also remember the following points:
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Give your partner freedom and independence. The avoidant type needs plenty of personal space to explore their interests or what they consider their priority. When he feels like you're not trying to take his time or expect too much from him, he won't feel the need to pull away. If that happens, let him come back.
Remember that avoidance isn't aimed at you personally. This type of behavior is due to a psychological problem from the past that he carried into the relationship. Often he may not even realize it.
Talk about what you value in a relationship and highlight the positive qualities that matter to you.
Try to listen sympathetically when your partner tries to express their feelings or talk about problems. Do not try to fix it, as the avoidant partner is extremely independent, but be caring and responsive to needs.
Set healthy boundaries at the very beginning of a relationship that both need to respect. Some things might be acceptable and some things might not. You need to understand this.
Accept and respect your differences.
Despite negative experiences in the past, a person with an avoidant type of attachment can find and build healthy relationships if each partner is willing to work on themselves and on the relationship.