Unbelievable facts
How do you know that a person you are in close contact with is an abuser?
Many abusers have a number of characteristics that allow them to be recognized.
Many people don't notice the warning signs until they're so deeply involved in a toxic relationship that it's too hard to break out.
Who is an abuser in simple terms?
An abuser is a person who tries to coerce, intimidate, control, and isolate someone with whom he is in regular and close contact (this can be like a spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend, parent or child).
In a relationship, such a person demonstrates a destructive type of care. He can be both physical (trying to hit, push, grab a part of the body or cause other harm) and psychological violence, using humiliation, denial, criticism and playing the victim's emotions.
The abuser often thinks that other people owe him something. This makes him feel entitled to give orders, insult, control, and get what they want.
What signs do you need to pay attention to to recognize a male abuser in a relationship?
Psychological portrait and signs of a male abuser
© Elnur
1. Quickly enters into a relationship
The abuser is in a hurry into a relationship. He can be incredibly charming at the beginning of an acquaintance, telling you he's never experienced anything like this before, and needs you.
Such a man will rush important decisions without giving you time to think about the consequences. The abuser is desperate for someone to take over his load and be an easy prey. This will give him more control over you.
Don't rush things and try to take a closer look at the person before you enter into a serious relationship with them.
2. He doesn't respect you
Not all male abusers will show you a lack of respect from the first day you meet. They will first try to charm you and act in a way that pleases you.
Observe how a person treats other people and what they say about them. If he constantly criticizes and speaks contemptuously about others, be sure that after a while you will find yourself among these people.
3. He talks about how bad he was in the past
Male abusers, as a rule, always have a story about a difficult and complicated past. He likes to talk about his hardships, as this is part of a skillful game.
If you start to empathize, regret, and care in return, you're the perfect victim for an abuser.
4. He talks bad about his ex-partners
It was he who suffered at the hands of treacherous and cunning women who did not understand or appreciate him. His ex-wives and friends betrayed him, mistreated him, used him, taking every last penny.
Most people still have a little bitterness about a failed relationship, but if a man can't let go of these feelings, think carefully.
By communicating his frustration and anger, the man lets you know clearly what behavior is expected of you: no demands, no expectations, and full dedication to him and your relationship to heal his wounds.
5. He has a few bad habits
The abuser usually suffers from one or more addictions. This can be alcohol abuse, smoking, inability to manage anger, a tendency to cheat and other bad habits.
He seems to be broken, and now you want to help him, believing that you can fix everything and put him on the right track.
6. He is bossy and self-centered
You can persuade yourself that your partner is showing his masculinity, but in fact, he sets his own rules in the relationship. At the same time, they are built on the principle that he gets the lion's share of power, and you get maximum responsibility.
While you are playing the role of second violin, a man is bathed in attention and care, as befits the “main thing”. After a while, he may tell you that you must take full care of his well-being, satisfy all his wishes and keep his house clean.
7. He loses his temper easily
This is not about the usual temper, in which a person is aware of his mistakes and is ready to correct them. He explodes easily, overreacts or inadequately, but does not admit his guilt, blaming it on you or pretending to apologize.
A male abuser can often use curses and insults. He certainly doesn't react like a normal adult when he's angry and hurt.
8. It is unreliable, volatile and unpredictable
Something always happens at the last minute, or he's tired, or he's always busy calling or texting you. He is not sensitive, he does not take into account your desires or feelings.
9. It doesn't let you have personal boundaries
Note if a man starts asking wrong questions too early or hurries you into a relationship. It may ask for your phone password or require you to report for every action. He freaks out when you're late or you have to ask his permission to do something.
It's important to remember that the abuser wants to establish power in all areas of your life, whether it's family, friends, work, or your finances.
10. He never admits his guilt
© Syda Productions
Nothing human is foreign to us, and we all make mistakes from time to time. Most people are able to admit their mistakes at least in rare cases.
Abusers, as a rule, skillfully play the role of victims. If in a healthy relationship a man is able to take responsibility for his mistakes, then the abuser will always say that anyone is to blame, and he is just a victim of circumstances.
In fact, such men are big cowards who lack the courage to admit their mistakes and learn from them. Instead, they're trying to shift the blame onto others.
11. Does not respect people close to you
A male abuser often tries to shame you or your family. He finds some error in your family members and can use it to embarrass others.
A man distances you from family and friends by telling you that they don't love you or you're too dependent on them.
It is not profitable for him to have you talk to someone else, so he may also try to limit your contacts with family and friends.
12. Is hostile to your friends
This type of person is never happy if they see another person happy, and tries their best to isolate you from those who are dear to you and whom you love.
It can undermine your friendship and spread unfounded rumors that only lead to misunderstandings and disagreements with friends.
13. The owner
A male abuser is often possessive and jealous, and the idea that you can pay even a little attention to someone else can make him desperate.
He can tell you that he needs you all the time and you can't do anything without him. As soon as you get out of his sight, he constantly calls you and makes you suspicious.
14. Manipulator
In order to control you, the abuser uses various tricks, playing on your emotions. For example, he'll tell you that if you leave him he won't survive it or he'll kill himself.
Through such manipulations, he will intervene and control all areas of your life that you allow. Over time, you will feel more and more trapped with no way out.
15. Low self-esteem
Abusers may hide behind a mask of confidence, but underneath it you can see extremely low self-esteem. Such a person only feels good when he suppresses other people.
16. Your intuition tells you
Perhaps from the very beginning, somewhere deep inside, your gut told you that the man was acting suspiciously. Don't ignore your intuition. She doesn't think about the past or worry about the future. Your sixth sense just kicks in at the right time, and it's much more visionary.
Pay close attention to the latest signs:
17. Is cruel to children and animals
This should alert you. Research has shown that 71-83 percent of women who have been abused claim that their partner bullied or abused a pet.
Such a man is often insensitive to pain and suffering, and may demand the impossible from a child. He can tease him until he cries or treat him with disdain.
18. It forces you to be close
Such a man doesn't care much about whether you want intimacy or not and uses manipulation or anger to force you into sexual consent.
You should take humiliating sexual remarks addressed to you as an indication of a serious problem.
19. Has been violent in past relationships
If a man has previously raised his hand against his ex-partners, you should not even stay in a relationship with him.
Whether he explains his behavior to alcohol or his inability to control his anger, that's not a good enough reason to stay with him.
Sure, some people change, but more often than not, they continue their destructive behavior.
20. Intimidates
A man is responsible for everything he does, even if he's angry. His anger doesn't have to be frightening.
If he yells at you, hits the wall, throws or ruins your stuff to prove something and it scares you, you're dealing with a real abuser.
The abuser intimidates the victim when she does not want to do what is required of her or does not like her behavior. Don't believe false claims. You should remember that no one has the right to talk to you like that.
Male abuser in a relationship: how should you behave?
© Getty Images Signature
If you're experiencing psychological or physical abuse, trust yourself. You should know it's wrong and you shouldn't live like this.
Don't take responsibility for a man's behavior. You can try to help, but he's unlikely to change his behavior without professional help. Abusers often downplay the problem by saying they can't control themselves. This is not the case. Note if a person behaves differently with other people, because he knows what the consequences will be. He may blame you, hinting that you need to change. Remember that you are not responsible for his behavior.
Set personal boundaries. Decide for yourself that you will not respond to certain manipulations and will not allow yourself to get involved in arguments. Try to react unpredictably, for example, with humor, it will take a person by surprise. Say what you want. Most victims of abusers do the opposite: they calm down and indulge the abuser, and unacceptable behavior continues.
Be adamant. Limit contacts with the abuser whenever possible. Whenever possible, try to get out of the relationship and cut off all ties. Make it clear that it's over and don't look back.
Find support from loved ones and friends. Contact a psychologist or other specialist who can help you with this situation.